Theme of the year: SURRENDER

Note: Thanks to Gordon Fegusson's insights in "The Victory of Surrender".

Last August 30, 2009, I celebrated my 11th year as a disciple of Jesus.

I envisioined myself at the height of my relationship with God. After all, I am supposed to become more grateful each year. However, on that day, I felt totally different. I'm afraid, my emotional gratitude wasn't there.

Something inside me was sad. I have shared with some people that I feel lost about my career and my direction. At first, I thought this could be the problem. I just didn't know where to go.

Thankfully, God in His mercy and great love for me, showed thru many different ways that my problem is not because of my lack of career direction, it was my lack of surrender.

I thought I have surrendered everything to God when I got baptized. However, I realized that baptism was just the start of it. Surrender is not a once-for-all act, it is a daily challenge.

A brother told me that sometimes, we get caught up with wanting to "do great things for God", when what God actually asks of us is to "empty ourselves of our SELVES, and allow God to do great things FOR us and THROUGH us."

In my need to "do great things", "to make a difference", to "make an impact", I have failed to empty myself before God. I am still filled with MY and the WORLD'S view of what a truly successful and fulfilled person should look like.

Money, titles, accomplishments, recognition, history, reputation, prominence, being ahead of others, being better than others, being FIRST, champion, winner.

All these have been so ingrained in me since childhood. No wonder it's taking so much work, so much time to change. Yet, I believe that I can change because I have the Holy Spirit inside me. I can pray. I can get discipled. And Jesus is on my side.

What I have learned so far about surrender:

1. God's plan to bless a man is based on our recognition of our lack of goodness and power.

"All of us have become like on who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags." (Isa. 64:6)

The literal translation of filthy rags is menstrual clothing.

"I know that nothing good lives in me; that is, in my sinful nature." (Romans 7:18)

We may seem good compared to other humans, but before God, none of us has the reason to boast. Unless, we admit this to ourselves and before God, we are not in a position to receive his mercy and to receive from Him the real power to be good and and to do good.

2. What we do well is due to the power of God, and what we do badly is due to our own sinful inclinations.

This is very convicting. I prided myself in being a high-achiever in the past and in being talented and skillful. In my pride I ask myself, "If I am so talented and skilled, then why have I failed so much? Why am I so inconfident?"

It's now shameful to see that nothing good that I ever did CAN be attributed to myself. If I did anything well, it's due to God's power. The only things I can really attribute to my SELF--my sinful self--are my pride, selfishness, laziness, cowardice, etc.

Wow, how I need God! I need God to teach me, mold me, discipline me, train me. I have so much to learn about myself and about Him.

3. God's plan for us is not simply that we be fulfilled and happy from a humanistic perspective. He wants us to be like His Son, and He wants us to abound in the only work that will affect eternity.

The only work that's important to God is that WE BECOME HIS LIKE HIS SON. Period. God accomplishes this even now that I am jobless. God doesn't need me to have a successful career in order to achieve this goal. In fact, because my pride comes in the way so much when I do become successful, God might even never allow me to become successful in a worldly way. I must surrender completely to God's will.

GOD is preparing me for heaven -- that's what counts. I must grow to become like Jesus in all circumstances. This is the only way.

This is Paul's passion:

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffereings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection of the dead." Philippians 3:7, 10-11.

4. When we are surrendered, God is in control of us, and we become instruments for the accomplishment of his tasks.

After God rescued the Israelites from Egypt, He gave them instructions they needed for their life with him. After a year, He felt they were ready to enter into their new land of milk and honey. He sent 12 spies to look at the land in preparation for their conquest of it. But, they came back with a totally humanistic assessment of it -- they saw the bounty of the land, but they didn't see the God of the land.

In Numbers 13:3, "We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them". After witnessing God's miraculous deliverance, the Israelites still feared and forgot what God can do.

Oh, I can't recall how many times I focused on what I can/can't do, instead of what God can do! I am wandering faithlessly like the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years. It's because I am so full of MYSELF! I can't do this! I don't have that experience, that talent, that skill. Oh, I deserve better or I ought to be better by now.

Gosh Ingrid, again it's not about you! It's about God!

My unhealthy view of myself is proof that I haven't surrendered my "SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT" to God. I have the grasshopper syndrome because I am still in control and unsurrendered. God does not give a spirit of timidity, only the Spirit of POWER, LOVE, and SELF DISCIPLINE.

How can God fill me with this Spirit, when I am so full of MYSELF?

"The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion." Proverbs 28:1

What's making me suffer is my lack of surrender. A real surrendered heart, life, produces joy and contentment even in the face of suffering and hardships and trial.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

Is it really that important what kind of career I pursue for life? Or am I just really looking for purpose? Completeness? Fulfillment?

Jesus wants me to have life to the full. The above scripture just said that when perseverance finishes its work, I will be mature and complete, not lacking anything. What do I really want?

I want Jesus -- to be with Him, to please Him, to honor Him with my life, to experience Him. The highest point of my life is when I am crucified. That's what I'm really longing for deep inside.

The good news is, I can bear my cross in whatever circumstance I am: poor or rich, well-fed or hungry, jobless or with a job, in an ideal job or not, with or without recognition, with or without money.

God promised to take all things, good or bad, and work them together for our good (Romans 8:28). God is working even now. YES, HE IS! And I am happy about that.

Prayer:

Dear God,

I get sidetracked sometimes and lose focus on You. I wander faithflessly in the desert, instead of fixing my eyes faithfully on You. I sometimes forget why I became a disciple and what it means to make Jesus my Lord.

On the cross, I have crucified my sinful nature -- the old Ingrid who only wants glory, honor, recognition to herself. The old Ingrid who takes pride in her achievements and whose joy only resides in renown. Before you, I have promised to make make it a priority to PLEASE YOU, LIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU, HONOR YOU WITH MY LIFE, CARRY MY CROSS, FOLLOW YOU.

God, I recognize that these are the only purpose worth living and dying for. Everything else is temporary and artificial.

Father, help to recognize how You are molding me daily and help me to respond humbly -- in order for you to use me according to your plans. Lord, that's my hope in life. To live in order to please You.

I know that you are working on my character everyday and I must not be frustrated nor lose hope. Instead, I must walk closely with You in order to recognize the ways that you are teaching me.

Father, keep me close beside You because I can wander sometimes and I don't want to lose any second of my life wandering away from You.

I love you Lord. Amen.